Well, I've been "full term" since June 13. And I'm ready to have this baby! She doesn't seem to feel quite the same way, so I had to serve her with an eviction notice.
EVICTION NOTICE
TO: Baby Girl
Pursuant to the provisions of Illinois state law, the Golden Rule, and common human decency, (as well as several human-rights treaties, I'm sure!) you are hereby given an eviction notice and notice to vacate on or before July 4, 2008 the premises and appurtenances owned by your mother in her womb, which premises are now occupied by you.
THE REASON(S) FOR THIS EVICTION NOTICE IS/ARE:
1. Your failure to pay rent due and in arrears when demanded. A settlement offer to pay rent or vacate was served upon you on June 13, 2008 (commonly known as 37 weeks gestation), and you have refused and neglected to pay rent for your entire tenancy. Furthermore, you have continued to use and deplete all the resources available on the premise and have made no effort to compensate your mother for said usage, and have not indicated any willingness to cease and desist such usage--in fact, your demands have increased as the months have gone by.
While previously, an agreement may have been able to be reached regarding a payment of liquidated damages in return for extending your stay, the relationship has degraded to a point that eviction is the only option.
2. Substantial damage has been done to the premises as follows:
a. notable cosmetic damage including, but not limited to: acne, hair growth, lina negre, and spreading of the nose
b. irreversible structural damage including, but not limited to: stretch marks, loss of integrity of breast tissue, serious abdominal and uterine expansion
c. damage to the plumbing and other systems, including, but not limited to: heart burn, carpel tunnel, constipation, urinary incontinence, swelling of extremities and gas
d. numerous miscellaneous offenses interfering with other's enjoyment of the premises including, but not limited to: mood swings, leaking breasts, bleeding gums, cervical mucous and other untold horrors spilling out, rib kicks, and bladder punches.
e. Finally, we have received credible information that you have made a threat of serious, irreversible and permanent damage to the premises in the near future.
3. Your failure to comply with a material term of the lease as follows: in entering into this arrangement, your mother was made to understand that while there certainly would be some discomforts, you would grow quietly while providing your mother a sense of excitement, peace and fulfillment, as well as a noticeable "glow." You have failed to comply with these terms, causing your mother untold distress.
4. Behavior by you that adversely affects the health or safety of the landlord (your mother), as follows:
a. The damage noted in section 2 is incorporated here by reference.
b. Your constant kicking, punching and wiggling is causing considerable pain and discomfort to your mother as you persist in your attempts to take up more space.
c. Your refusal to relocate is putting your mother in serious danger of a complete mental break-down.
5. For other good cause as follows:
a. The term of your tenancy expires on July 4, 2008, and in consideration of all the grievances listed above, it is impossible to willingly grant you a 2 week extension.
b. Arrangements have been made for your comfortable relocation to much brighter, more spacious accommodations, rent free, with round the clock servants, plenty of room to move and grow—failure to accept this offer should be considered valid grounds for involuntary commitment.
c. Your mother has decided to take a sabbatical from her duties as a landlord, and said sabbatical cannot begin until you have fully vacated the premises.
d. Your father wants to meet you!
Dated: June 23, 2008
Jen Gustafson, Your Mother (landlord)
I hereby certify that on the 23rd day of June, 2008 at 12:00 pm I affixed a true copy of this above original eviction notice to the abode of Baby, the above-named tenant.
